Art Then and Now

As a father, I adore the projects my children bring home for me. From a simple picture, to a barely recognizable mammal constructed of paper plates, cardboard, some dried macaroni and half a bottle of Target brand glue, each piece of art is special to me. I am so proud of their effort. At the same time, I can't help but think, oh, how time has changed.


I fondly remember an "art" project I was forced to create by a teacher twenty-some years ago. It was a clay project we had to make for our parents. He carefully laid out the instructions, showed us an unrealistic example of the finished product, and gave us our block of school-issued standard (read substandard) clay. With the grayish mass, I was to craft a timeless heirloom my family would admire for years to come. The project...

An ashtray.


Nothing quite defines the 80's quite like this art project. My teacher directed all of the students to create a handy receptacle for our loved ones to dispose of the unwanted portions of their carcinogenic habit. We were commanded to, in a sense, support a selfish behavior and contribute to the decrease of their quality of life. How appropriate and thoughtful. Afterall, nothing says "I love you" like the promise of charred lungs and encouraging the growth of tumors.



My ashtray.

Being the studious little automaton I was, I cheerfully created my ashtray, I lovingly patted out the bottom to ensure the best snuff out possible and turned up the edges with careful precision to ensure no ash or butt shall leave this tray before its time.

I presented my ashtray to my parents with pride. I am sure they were proud of my effort and were glad to display a piece of pottery used to fashionably display litter on a coffee table. Sadly, I do not recall those moments after I created my implement of death.


With the holidays approaching, the Holiday art projects from school should be starting to make their way home. I can hardly wait for my children to bring home a pen holder from an aluminum can or a crudely constructed piece of pottery to hold my plethora of prescription pills. I will cherish them all.

Want another take on Art, Then and Now, be sure to read this!
http://thefreeto.wordpress.com/

Fantasy Football Smack Talk Part II

Three months have passed since my short list of commandments for fantasy football smack talk. Since we are now through the halfway point of the regular season, I thought it would be a courtesy to you, the reader, to continue what I started. These, my friends, are more of the smack talk commandments.

7. Thou shall finish what you start. If you take the time to lay down the smack, finish it. Ending smack with no foundation behind your argument is merely name calling. Let's look at an example.

Player 1: You're a poo-poo head.

Player 2: (stares at Player 1 with a look of confusion)

(awkwardness wins in straight sets.)

See, no substance, finish what you start...tell the player WHY he is a poo-poo head, and be sure to make it clever.

Player 1: Man, is your head full of doo-doo? I can't believe you played that guy. He's on a bye week. That's like stealing the front window pane out of a Radio Shack. Makes no sense.

Player 2: Agreed, I can't believe I pulled such a boner. I am such a bad player.

Player 1: I don't know what masturbation has to do with that, but I will say I certainly roughed you up like a suspect.

8. Limit "current events" in your smack talk. Please, keep it generalized. We all know the H1N1 is going around, we all know who our president is, and we all Ben Rothlisberger likes to stop cars with his face. We don't need to be reminded of that every week. Chances are better than average that you are NOT as funny as Lewis Black. Keep it simple and understandable enough for even the dimmest of players to understand. The exception to this rule is the "balloon boy."

Assumption Movie Review Part III

It's time for another installment of Assumption Movie Review. You remember the drill, I dig up a movie poster and write a review based on the picture.


In this third installment, I am taking the assumption movie review across the pond, over a channel, through the country side, over some mountains, over another pond, through a desert, half way across a third body of water, and finally treading water back to the aforementioned desert to bring you this movie.

NOTE: The internet has wonderful images...this is not one of them.

Um..er..uh...whew...uhhhh

I really can't give you the title of this movie because apparently a 3 year old drew all over where the title should be. Judging from the scribbles and using my powers of translation (turning my laptop upside down), I think the title of this movie is called

Mitns Cots (with a sideways T...)

Which, if my pronunciation is correct, roughly translates into...

...you know what, I don't care, I am just going to call this movie

Lionstabbing.

Lionstabbing is a wonderful coming of age story about a 13 year old boy (pictured) learning the about himself and his family's awful secret.

Our main character, Klarhghsgrthck (we'll just call him Ron) discovers he has been already promised to a senile old "uncle" to take over his very unprofitable sand farm. During his free time on the sand farm, Ron learns very little from his elderly master, because, well, how much farming does sand require? Plus, the man is old, what does he really have to offer to the younger generation?

As a cultural rite of passage into manhood, Ron constructs the worst toupee in the history of obvious hairpieces, attaches it to his head with buttons from his shirt and begins a journey only he can take. Ron embarks on a time-honored traditional pilgrimage to complete his transformation from boy to man, apprentice to master, dork to slime-ball. Ron's destination, a zoo. Not just any zoo, an angry zoo. A zoo where lions most likely deserved to be stabbed. In the head. And, that is what Ron does. He stabs them. In the head. Judging from the poster, this stabbing occurs during a pivotal dance scene. Ron not only likes to cut lions, but also likes to cut Footloose.

The plot can be summed up as:

Boy becomes sand farmer.

Boy makes toupee.

Boy buttons toupee to his head.

Boy goes to zoo.

Boy dances.

Boy stabs lions. In the head.

MAN instantly grows fantastic moustache.

Lionstabbing is a movie not meant for people. Unless you like stabbing lions. In the HEAD. I am pretty sure this movie is rated "w" or "j" as those are the only scribbles I can really recognize.

Since this movie has nothing to do with zombies, or Sears Roebuck, I can not give it my highest marks. But, I can not overlook the wicked-awesome moustache and the flamboyant style used in stabbing the lions.

I give it 2 stabs....er...stars...

If you are still wondering what the family's awful secret is, don't. You're expecting way too much out of this review. Look at the picture for crying out loud. The guy is stabbing lions in the head while in disco pose. "Oh, yeah!" is clearly formed on his lips like some mammal stabbing Kool-Aid man. The only thing written his "Good-Bye Kitty" notepad is "MURDER." I would worry more about what you are going to "Google" next rather than some made-up family's "awful secret."

If you are wondering what he learns about himself, he learns he likes to stab lions. IN THE HEAD.

Singing

When I think of singing, I think of karaoke. When I think of karaoke I think of inebriated oriental business men singing popular 80s songs. When I think of 80s songs, I think of Journey. Obviously, when I think of Journey, I think "Don't Stop Believing."

Unfortunately, when I think of funny oriental men singing Don't Stop Believing, I can't help but think of how they would misprounce it.

"Don't stop bereavin'."

Totally changes the song.

Mash-ups are fun!

no post, no rant. just a fun mashup. Enjoy!

Getting back to smack (quick rant.underedited)

So, for like the 10th year in a row, I am playing fantasy football. I am not overly competitive, and I like to have fun. One of the things I like most about the game of fantasy football is the smack talk/trash talk. I am a big fan of this method of communication. Even when I lose, I like to talk a little trash about myself. Mostly I like to compare my competitve ability to obscure things like the homeless or a washed up actor from the 80s. Usually these two people are one in the same, so its an additional bonus for me.

I can't remember any of the players I drafted, but I took some serious notes on the trash talkin I did. Found some good fodder to use for the year and found some weaknesses in my opponents game to give me the upper edge.

I have made some simple rules...lets call them commandments of trash talking.

1. Thou shall not start with "Yo mama." Yo mama jokes and or Oh Snap jokes are not acceptable in fantasy football...they have an appropriate time and place (like at a bar, church or at work.)

2. Thou shall not "let my playing do the talking." This just means you are unimaginative and can't think of anything witty to say. Go buy a book of quotes and a thesaurus, practice up a little (try some digs out on siblings or spouces) then step up to the big kids table.

3. Thou shall not post smack about killing another player. This is just bad karma.

Player 1: Dude, I so school you last week, did you let a homeless man set your roster?"
Player 2: Lucky Win Player 1. I am going to stab you in the face and shoot out your spine with an automatic weapon and cook me up some murder.

(see...not cool at all...)

4. Thou shall leave an opening for others to smackth down. Its only right to give someone a little opening to lay some smack on you. Sometimes its not about the final say...its about a humourous exchange of wit or cliche to pass the time before next Sunday.

5. Thou shall use puncuation. Enough said. Spelling is not crucial, but please, use a comma, elipses, or even an exclamation point. Take the time to organize your thoughts and add the appropriate puncuations. Why, it's becuase it's what friends do.

6. Thou shall not use a library computer for fantasy football. That's just lame.

I am sure there are more. When I think of them I will write more.

I had to have backspaced over a thousand characters tonight thinking of something to write. Having nothing to say when you want to say something is quite possibly the worst thing in the world.

Actually, it's really not that bad. I mean having a splinter is pretty bad too. So is having someone in front of you take the gas pump you wanted to take.

Come to think of it, those aren't really too bad...

Maybe I should focus my attention on building a better mouse trap? Actually the current design is still pretty popular, and it works great. It's quick, humane (I think?) and has been popular for over a hundred years. Better leave well enough alone.

I am still back to not being able to think of anything to write...

Assumption Movie Review Part II

I would like to start out by saying tonight is a very special night, but it's not. It's Tuesday. Another reason tonight is not very special is because I get to assume I have seen the movie...



CLASS OF 1984

Ah, yes, Class of 1984. Judging from this movie poster, I can only assume they are referring to a very large graduating class. I was in a class of 300. This one is much bigger, close to 2,000. According to the top of the poster, "We are the future! ...and nothing can stop us!" I assume this is their class motto. I think mine in high school was, "We survived the public education system." or maybe it was "All of us aren't in jail. Yay!"

I don't have a lot to go on with this poster, but I think the movie goes something like this:

1,980 high school students are getting ready to get all dipolma-ed up. All are in their gowns and ready to don their square caps and tassles and make that first step into the "real world." Until...


Our 4 friends from the cover crash into the school in a rusted out 1978 Plymouth Horizon with Kool-Aid Man meets misunderstood teenage aggression. Needless to say, they are looking to get in on some extreme graduating action! This group of 4 know only one way to graduate, and it's HARDCORE.

When they get into the school, I think the girl says,
"We just came from Sears and heard there is some graduatin' goin on here. No one graduates in this town without us! It's time to get our LEARN ON! NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND....ENFORCED!" (this is obviously the scene portrayed on the poster.)

After typical stereotypes about 3-color mohawks, teenage angst, a musical montage and a sappy bonding moment where the ENTIRE mob of 1,980 graduates gain the respect of freaky 4.

As for key moments in the movie, I am guessing the most inspirational part of the movie comes when a nerdy graduate, played by Nick Cage asks our friend in the red jacket...

"Will we still be friends after we graduate tonight? I mean, I consider you my friends."

Our extreme friend in the red jacket responds with,

"No, you can be MY wingman."

Of course this doesn't make sense, but once again, I am assuming there was something that had to do with wingmen during the course of the movie.

Much like the previous movie I reviewed, (Alien Dead), Class of 1984 is filmed entirely in 3 feet of water. This is why our learned young adults appear to be adorned in skintight water resistant clothing and high water footwear.

I give this movie an Uber- RAD...

11 Stars.
(not the wimpy gold ones either...I'm talking about the glittery ones.)

Assumption movie review

I am going to do a review on a movie I have never seen. I will simply find a movie title and judge it by its cover. Tonight's movie is Alien Dead.

The zombie movie genre is one of my favorites. I put it in a close second to any movie with John and Joan Cusak in it.

Judging by the cover of this "DVD" (notice lower left corner), I would have to say Alien Dead is an aquatic zombie movie. Not only that, but it's a good one! Its been burned to DVD and celebrating 25 years! So, Alien Dead HAS to be good, right?

I would assume the movie takes place in a fairly large body of water. I would also have to assume aliens or people from space contaminate the water and all those unlucky enough to drink or swim in the water becomes zombies (or the "Zed" word.")

The plot of Alien Dead probably goes like this:

1. Aliens contaminate water -- its either aliens or people from space.

2. Common people get exposed to water and become zombies -- see picture above. A scientist in the movie will attempt to explain it, but by that time, you will have lost interest in the reasoning and will want to get to...

3. Zombies are horrifically destroyed by humans united in the stance against zombies. -- This is what makes zombies movies rock! There is no wrong way to kill a zombie. Be creative! Zombies have the skeletal make up of a watermelon...hard outside and juicy inside! Isn't gratuitous zombie violence what we all really want to see.

4. One man steps up reluctantly to lead and, thus, is the hero -- Usually played by Nick Cage. Why people want to rally around the guy that doesn't seem to care is beyond me. "Hey, we need to be saved, let's find someone who is indifferent to the whole situation but has a ton of one-liners."

5. Subplot of a love interest (in this movie...the love interest is a zombie.) -- did I tell you our reluctant hero is most likely retarded?

6. Resolution...this is the mass destruction of zombies. You will know it when you see it. This is when there will be an explosion, and zombies are unceremoniously destroyed all at once. Immediately after this, you will say.."how lame." Our hero will conjure up his best one-liner so after this, but, lets be real, you've turned the movie off. All the zombies are dead...no more reason to watch...

What really sets this zombie move apart from the rest is the ENTIRE MOVIE takes place in three feet of water. I think the awesomeness of that speaks for itself.

Alien Dead also teaches us a couple of interesting facts about zombies:

Zombies are apt swimmers, they STILL lack basic dental hygiene skills, and when not wanting to feast on unwilling victims, they take time to love.

All in all this is an awesome zombie movie, because, well....I haven't seen a bad one yet.

Rating:

666 stars!

Two Sentence tribute to the celebrities that died this week.

(insert celebrity name here) was a good person with enormous talent. (insert celebrity name here) will be missed by family, friends and fans alike.

(insert photo of celebrities here)